The Five Millionth Day In The Life Tekken Fic
by Lord Nazgul
Summary: Guess what! A trite and overused idea! I was dead for a while. But now I'm alive! AWESOME. Oh yeah, and read Chapter 8...please?
1. Kazuya

**The Five Millionth Day In the Life Tekken Fic**

**Chapter 1: Kazuya**

**A/N: I know this idea is trite and overused. However, I don't give a damn. Also, be sure to check out my other fic, Havin' A Blast. Makaveli is the co-writer, but everyone _knows_ my chapters are the best. shifty eyes** **Oh, and Jason co-writes this one with me, just like the Random Misadventures. Be sure to check out Havin' A Blast, though. shameless advertising**

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As Kazuya woke up to perform his daily morning routine, all was well. That is, all was well until he fell down fifteen flights of stairs. Hmm...much like in the last fic. Oh well. So! Right. He fell down the stairs. Then, a bunch of bricks fell on him. Then Jin followed him down the stairs in the exact same manner. After Jin added more weight to the growing pile on top of Kazuya, a Submarine fell through the roof and what do you know, right on top of the pile. 

After that whole debacle of stuff falling on him, Kazuya slowly climbed out of the pile. After which, he casually dusted himself off and walked into the kitchen. "Honey, I fell down the stairs and Jin got crushed by a Submarine again!"

Jun skipped in and glomped her husband. "Aww...again?"

"Yes. Now unhand me and give me my well-deserved food, wench!"

"Aww, I love it when you call me huggy-bear!"

"...I called you–"

"Huggy-bear!"

"...Whatever. Just get my damn breakfast."

After receiving his food, Kazuya walked outside of the house and decided to flag down a taxi. Luckily for him, one pulled up instantly and the door ominously opened by itself.

"...Um...okay..." Kazuya said, getting in.

"Where to sir." Asked a monotonous, robotic voice.

"...The Mishima Zaibatsu."

"Yes sir." The robot said, reaching slowly for a handgun in the seat next to him.

"...Wait a tic...Combot, I can see you reaching for that gun."

"Damn." The now revealed Combot said.

"That was the worst assassination attempt ever...and I can still see you're reaching for the gun."

"Damn again. Please exit the vehicle."

"Will do," Kazuya said, opening the door and walking out. "See ya, Combot."

"Bye." Combot said, driving off.

Kazuya flagged down another taxi and got inside.

"Where to sir." Combot said again, this time having donned a fake mustache.

"...Combot, that's just you with a mustache."

Combot turned around to face him, his red eyes gleaming. "I don't know this Combot. He is unfamiliar to me. I'm Mike...Mikerson. I'm sure this Combot is a swell guy. He wouldn't shoot you with a handgun." He said, reaching for the handgun again.

"...You suck, dude. I can see you reaching for the gun again." Kazuya said, getting out.

"No. Don't leave. I need to shoot-err...deliver you to your destination. Which is the Gates of Hell. Um...I mean the Mishima Zaibatsu."

"Bye, Combot."

Combot made an odd noise which seemed to be the robot equivalent of a sigh. "...Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Probably."

"Okay. Bye."

"See ya."

With that, Combot drove off and Kazuya decided to take his car. Going through a 20 mile per hour zone, Kaz was doing 80. Needless to say, he got pulled over by none other than Mr. Fweese, Lei Wulong.

"Um...Kazuya, you realize this is a 20 mile per hour zone?"

"Yes, officer, I won't do it again."

"...Well, alright, as long as you learned your lesson."

"Yep." With that, VROOM! Kazuya sped off at 80 once more. And once more, he was pulled over.

"Kazuya, I don't think you learned your lesson." Lei said, putting his hands on his hips. "You need to pay a fine of 40 yen."

"Okay." And Kazuya sped off once more, this time, running over small children. Lei followed, but was blown up by an ominous rocket.

Combot stood at the street corner holding a rocket launcher. "Damn." He said, having missed his target again.

Meanwhile, Kazuya was already at work, observing one of his newest creations, a robotic waiter. Kazuya observed behind a protective sheet of plastic. In the testing room, a massive, hulking, silver robot with a gun attached to it's arm stomped in.

"I AM A KILLER ROBOT 9000. MY NAME IS TIM. I WILL BE YOUR WAITER TODAY."

* * *

Behind the protective sheet of plastic, an employee walked up to Kazuya. "Sir, do you feel the gun is necessary?" 

"Of course! What would we do if someone tried to rob us?" Kazuya replied.

"...Call the police?"

"NONSENSE! Waiters must always be armed!"

Back in the testing room...

"MAY I RECOMMEND THE SPECIAL."

"Um...what is the special?" A test guy dude said, sitting at the table across from his lady friend.

"...THE SPECIAL."

"Yes, what is it?"

"SILENCE, I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS."

"I-I-I just wanted to know what the special was..."

"...SALMON."

"Alright, I'll have that."

"WOULD YOU LIKE IT WELL, EXTREMELY WELL, BURNT TO A CRISP, OR ASHES?"

"...Can I have it medium–"

"CHOOSE FROM MY LIST!" The robot said, threateningly pointing it's gun-arm at him.

"Um, um, um, um, um...well?"

"...VERY WELL. ASHES IT IS."

"I said well"

"YOU SAID BURNT TO A CRISP!"

"That was different from the last thing you said!"

"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS DISRESPECT!" The robot said, swiping the chair out from under him and beating him to death with it.

Behind the plastic...

"Hm...should work on that a little more. Tone down the violence by 1/8." Kazuya said, walking off.

* * *

Kazuya then went to supervise his toy department. Kazuya grabbed a microphone and yelled to a boy who was working on the Bomb Defusal Kit For Children. "Timmy! You gotta cut the wire! The Japanese are depending on you!" 

"Um...um..." Timmy said, reaching for and cutting the blue wire. Much to his dismay, a massive explosion then erupted.

"...Timmy?" Kazuya said, a charred hand holding a pair of pliers slammed against the window, then slowly peeled off and fell.

"That's the spirit!" Kazuya said, having not paid any attention.

Next, Kazuya supervised the zoo. In his zoo, the birds in the aviary were replaced by headcrabs from the Half-Life series. In case you're unfamiliar, they attach themselves to your head and turn you into a zombie. Great fun!

Kazuya again watched from behind protective plastic, as a tour guide lead his pack of dumbasses, excuse me, tourists, to the Headcrab Aviary.

"Alright, folks, remember, don't go near them at all. Avoid all contact with the headcrabs. Especially with your head. Have fun, I'm gonna lock the door so you don't come back and kill me when you get turned into zombies. Okay?" The tour guide said, locking the door as the people screamed and were turned into zombies.

"Okay." The tour guide then left, along with Kazuya.

* * *

As Kazuya made his way to his parked car, he noticed that someone had torched it. "Well damn...again...better call a cab." He said, walking outside. 

Outside, a taxi pulled up to pick him up. Just then, Combot sped up and smashed into the other taxi, somehow sending it flying while his cab suffered no damages.

"...Combot, you've tried this twice today." Kazuya said.

"...Third time's the charm." Combot said, reaching for the handgun.

"Okay, Combot, I'll see you tomorrow." Kazuya said, walking off.

"See ya. Aw damn. He got away again. Curses."

* * *

When Kazuya got home, he walked past the bricks and submarine to Lee, who was sitting in front of the fireplace. "You know, your robot tried to assassinate me again today. Any knowledge on that? Or do you still plead the fifth, even though we're in Japan?" 

"...Um...uh...fifth!" Lee said, running away.

Kazuya sighed then went to the dinner table, where he again demanded food from Jun. After receiving it, he passed out on the floor in his bedroom. No reason.

END

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A/N: Well. Gimme some feedback here. Good? Bad? Moderate? I'll give you cookies. You better give me some feedback. **


	2. Steve

**Chapter 2: Steve**

**A/N: Well, this chapter will suck. **

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Steve walked outside and was the worst character ever, the end. 

**

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**

Chapter 2: Not Steve, but King

**A/N: Haha, tricked you. That wasn't the real chapter. I'm just too lazy to do a chapter on Steve, because then I'd have to research his character.** **So now, here's the new chapter for you! **

* * *

After successfully pummeling yet another random wrestler guy dude, King went home tocontemplate his job. "I should really contemplate my job." King said, sitting down on his couch in front of his ginormous T.V. 

Just then, a strange ad came on. "Hey there! Contemplating your job as a wrestler with a leopard mask?" The ad guy said.

"That sounds nothing like me." King said.

"...Jaguar?" The ad guy said.

"Now we're talkin'!"

"Well, if you're that guy, come to First National City Place Bank!"

"...Isn't that a long name for a ba–"

"SHUT UP! Anyway, come work for us. Or we'll hunt you down."

"I'm just kidding. Just come work for us. Please! We're desperate!"

"...Ehh...might as well..." King said, standing up and walking out. However, he walked back inside, realizing he had just walked into public with his wrestling undies on. He put that dumb cowboy outfit on and walked out again.

* * *

"Why, hello, Mr...um...wrestler guy." A bank teller said. 

"King. And hi. I'm here about the job?" King said, approaching the teller.

"Oh! Yes. Just stay here with me and I'll show you." The teller said.

"Okay..." King said, squinting at her name tag. "...Carol."

"Now, King, I have your first task. Mr. Walters would a money withdrawal."

"You guys aren't even going to train me?"

"Screw that, wrestlers have always proved to be great bank tellers in the past!"

"……….Really?"

"No! But you're going to do fine, I can tell."

Five minutes later…

Mr. Walters lay on the ground with the ribs crushed, jaw torn from it hinges, and other body parts of his body strewn about the room. In fact, the ground that Mr. Walters laid upon wasn't even the floor inside the bank it was the ground outside the wall of the bank. A paramedics crew had pulled up as well as a police car.

"Now, Mr. King, if that is your real name, why did you kill him?" inquired a the police officer.

King sighed, "Look, he kept pushing me and–"

"WHY DID YA DO IT, HUH!"

"Will you let me finish what I was going to"

"A FINE IS AT HAND!" and with that the police officer stapled a fine of some sort to King's forehead.

King didn't seem to mind that the ticket, or the fact that it was causing him to bleed profusely. He felt scared that his job would be take away.

"Aww, don't worry King, we'll give you a second chance," Carol said.

A few minutes later, a man showed up. "I'd like to make a withdrawal of a hundred zillion please."

"Okay. Now, King, I'm going to make take out his money. Now what do you do?" Carol said.

"...Erm...umm...I...I..." King said.

"...King? We're waiting..."

"...Umm...umm..."

"King!"

"AAHHHH!" King then grabbed the man and did a piledriver on him. He then performed the giant swing on Carol. Needless to say, he got fired.

**

* * *

**

King, for the second time today, plopped down on top of the couch, and a seemingly familiar ad came on.

"Hey, pal! Are you a miserable failure at life and suck so much its not even funny?" yelled the ad dude.

"……."

"JUST KIDDING! Next question: are you a guy that does a thing?"

"……."

"Stop that! Anyways, we have decided that your ideal job is that of a bee wrangler!"

"The hell?"

"EXACTLY!" said the TV before a swarm of bees flew through the windows and stung king nearly to death. The person who apparently hired King for the bee wrangler came in through the broken window. He bent over to the crumpled up King and stamped the word "FIRED" onto kings face and then walked off.

The TV some how got up and walked over to King. "Boy, you really do suck at life!" King made a whining noise.

* * *

King awoke the next day and again plopped down in front of his couch, only to have another ad talk to him. 

"Say! Are you a European wrestler with a jaguar mask?" The ad dude said.

"Mexican."

"Whatever! Then come to Adams and Higgins Orthodontics!"

"...'Kay." King said, getting up and leaving for the second time.

* * *

"Alright, King, let's get you started." Adams, one of the orthodontists said. He led King over to a table where a young boy was strapped. "King, this is Caleb. He needs to have his braces put in. Got it?" 

"Got it." King said.

"Alright." Adams said, walking off.

Four hours later...

"...Mister, are you gonna put my braces in or not?" Caleb said.

"...STOP PRESSURING ME!" King yelled, driving his elbow into the kid's face. Needless to say...he was yet again fired.

* * *

Again, King plopped on his couch. "I bet another oddly specific ad that talks to me will come up." He said. And then, the inevitable happened. Yep, an oddly specific ad that talks to him came up. 

"Hey there! Are you–"

"A Mexican wrestler in a jaguar mask contemplating my job? Yes."

"...Then come to the Zooful Zoo!"

"...That is the lamest–"

A gun came out of the TV.

"HOLY SHIT! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MY TV COULD DO THAT!"

"Shut up! We were drunk. Just get your ass down here."

"FINE." King said, with an exasperated sigh. And for the third time, he got up and left his house.

* * *

"Now, if you look to your left, folks, you'll see a lemur!" King said, pointing to a ring-tailed lemur. 

"What's that?" A dumbass, excuse me, tourist said.

"...Erm...it's, uh...it's a...a..."

"Well?"

"STOP PRESSURING ME!" However, before King could execute any type of move on the dumbass, err, tourist, the lemur latched onto his face. This lemur had also, the day before been identified with rabies. Thusly, the man ran around in circles screaming. Even though it wasn't King's fault, they still fired him because if he weren't fired, then there would be no story here.

* * *

When King went home, he turned off the T.V. and plopped down on the couch. "I have to stop cracking under pressure...if I don't, I'll just keep doing random wrestling moves on people and get fired..." 

"Hey! Are you cracking under pressure and doing random wrestling moves on people, causing you to get fired?" Another ad dude said.

"What the hell! I turned you off!" King yelled, pointing at the T.V. However, he realized that he was sitting on the remote. "Goddammit!"

"Haha! Got ya now, sucker! Well, the job you're best suited for is...wrestler!"

"...You mean this whole time, the job I'm best suited for is the one I've had all along?"

"...Yep!"

"..." King turned off the T.V. and stared at the wall. He looked over at his discarded wrestling undies and stared for what seemed like hours. Finally, he picked them up and walked out. KING IS REBORN! Unfortunately, as he stepped onto the street a taxi cab rushed up to greet him, and ran King over.

"Success!" said a monotonous, robotic voice.

**

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A/N: So, there is King. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did making it! Review, or I will send your forsaken souls to the underworld! ...Or I'll just be sad that I didn't get any reviews. **


	3. Law

**Chapter 3: Law**

**A/N: Jason and I just got done beating the crap out of each other with Law and Yoshimitsu, so here's a story about Law. Yoshimitsu will be next. So, here's Law.**

* * *

"This pepper steak is too damn spicy!" A whiny voiced customer yelled. Unfortunately for him, Law is very sensitive about derogatory comments about his pepper steak. Law did several backflip kicks on unsuspecting customer and then proceeded to wail on him to the door. 

After the savagely beaten customer was thrown outside, Law went home to go into yet another one of his drunken hazes.

"But dad! Paul made me!" Forest Law yelled.

"I didn't even accuse you of anything yet!" Marshall responded.

"BUT HE DID!"

"Shut up you sad excuse for a kid! You suck so much I was brought in to replace you!"

"SHUT UP I WAS IN TEKKEN TAG!"

"Well I'll be in Tekken Tag 2!"

"SHUT UP I YOU OMG!" Forest said, running to his room to go sulk in his suckitude.

Marshall picked up one of his many beers and sat on the couch to watch T.V.

"Hey! Are you a martial arts dude who looks and sounds like Bruce Lee who just got home from working at your own restaurant and are now going into a drunken haze?"

"...What an oddly specific ad...but that sounds nothing like me." Marshall said, changing the channel.

"Hey! Are you a martial arts dude who looks and sounds like Bruce Lee who just got home from working at your own restaurant and are now going into a drunken haze who just yelled at your son?"

"...Now that is me!" Marshall said.

"Then you need a mortgage!"

"Douche!"

"BITCH!" Marshall said, turning off the T.V. and stomping to his room.

Marshall tried to get off his couch to go apologize to Forest for being an ass. However, as he arose from his seat he fell the ground, passed out.

The following morning Law found himself in a deep hangover. Primal instincts urged him to do one thing: get to the toilet and vomit.

He rushed across his room and into the bathroom. He pulled up the toilet seat and puked. Just at that moment something unexpected happened.

The door bell rang. Outside voices could be heard. "Open up the door, sir! You're the next winner on Randomly Go To People's Houses and Give Them a Million Dollars show! You have been selected for no particular reason. The only catch is that you have to be at the door in ten seconds. This game really isn't all that hard to win, unless you are some sort of Chinese cuisine cook, and have just awoken from your drunken haze to find yourself in a hangover-ish haze and are now hunched over your toilet, vomiting!

"Hmm, that sounds a tad like me," thought Law before vomiting more. "Oh, Christ how, do I get to the door? SHT!"

"10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0!" yelled the crew standing outside. "Sir, you must suck at life, because you just lost at the frickin' easiest game the world has ever come up with. Bye, dick!"

A couple of minutes later Law was interrupted by a second ringing of the doorbell.

"Sir, you have been selected to win anything you want! That's right you're on Randomly Go to a Person's House and Give Them a Thing Show! This show was created to knock of that bitch of a show 'Randomly Go To People's Houses and Give Them a Million Dollars Show.' However, like the other show you have to get out her in ten seconds. Think you can pull yourself away from that toilet for that long? Oh, oops…" said the man outside Law's door.

"What the hell? Does god me or something?" thought Law.

"Actually, yes, I do," said a saintly voice.

"God, you suck."

"Yeah, I get that alot."

"Ok, new plan! On the count of 3 I rip the toilet from the floor and take it with me to the front door. One, two, three." Law pulled the toilet as hard as he could, but unfortunately just dislocated his arm. "…" thought Law before crying.

"…7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0! Sir, you suck so much that I am going to throw bricks at your house!" And for the next 5 minutes Law could hear the mashing of bricks with the outside of his house. Unfortunately for Law one of the bricks smashed through the wall and somehow bounced off a wall and smashed into skull. How does a brick bounce off a wall, you ask. Well, its quite simple. Plot holes. Right, so that happened. And, uhh…Law was knocked out.

A few hours later Law reawakened. He realized that someone else besides Forest was in the house.

"Umm…I don't want have to go all crazy and do impossible back flips on you."

Suddenly a burglar ran past Law and attempted to run through the door. Law realized that the burglar had several items in his sack that was drooped over his shoulder. He identified the following: his DVD player, his TV, his refrigerator, a tied up Forest Law, and the support beam to his house.

"JESUS MAN, PUT THE BEAM BACK!" yelled Law.

"Oh, right, sorry," said the burglar as he put the support beam back. "Anything else?"

"Naw, all of that other stuff I stole from other people."

"_All _of it?" the burglar eyed a tied up Forest.

"Yeah, all of it. Whatever is in there, I stole it from someone. Even Forest."

"You sick …" said the burglar before running away.

Next door, Yoshimitsu and was having a small party with his manji party buddies with his favorite minstrel doing the music.

"Aye, merry men! Let us rejoice! We have robbed and mercilessly beat the crap out of yet another old miser!" Yoshimitsu said, raising a glass of wine.

"Aye!" The manji party members responded, raising their glasses of wine.

Next door, Marshall was trying to take an afternoon nap. However, this was pretty hard since crazy, alien ninjas who thought they were in the middle ages were making quite a ruckus with their classical party music. Marshall angrily stomped to his window and opened it, then threw a shoe through Yoshimitsu's window.

"SHUT THE HELL UP." He said, before stomping back to his bed.

Next door, Yoshimitsu was chugging down his wine when a shoe hit him on the back of the head from behind. Yoshimitsu spit out his wine and stood with wide eyes for ten minutes. Then, becoming quite irate, he stomped to his broken window and yelled to Law.

"Aye, sir! Why hath thou thrown a shoe through my window!"

Law stomped back over to his window. "One, I'm not sure your grammar was correct, two, because you wouldn't shut up!"

"We are having a celebration! And you shut up!"

"NO! You!"

"You!"

"You!"

This went on for days. Until finally...

"Oh, it's on!" Yoshimitsu yelled.

"Bring it, bitch!" Marshall responded.

"So be it!" Yoshimitsu said, running outside. Marshall was soon to follow.

"Alright, let's see what you've got!" Marshall said, uttering a line heard in every fighting game ever.

"Ha! You cannot best me, Law!" Yoshimitsu said. "You see, a sword is glued to my hand!...And it's green!" He said, brandishing his sword .

"...Err..." Marshall said, before running into his house. He ran out ten seconds later with an English broadsword. "Ha!"

"...Err..." Yoshimitsu said, running into his house and coming back ten seconds later with a mace. "Ha!" Yoshimitsu said, swinging the mace around.

"...Err..." Marshall said, running off then running back with an old Revolutionary War rifle with a bayonet attached. "Ha!"

"...Err..." Yoshimitsu said, running off and running back with a shotgun. "Ha!" He said, ing the shotgun.

"...Err..." Marshall said, running off and running back with a sub-machine gun. "Ha!"

"...Err..." Yoshimitsu said, running off and running back with an AK-47. "Ha!"

"...Err..." Marshall said, running off and running back with a Revolutionary War cannon. "Ha!" He said, lighting a match.

"...Err..." Yoshimitsu said, running off and running back, then quickly assembling a Gatlin gun.

"Ha!"

"...Err..." Marshall said, running off and running back with a rocket launcher. "Ha!"

"...Err..." Yoshimitsu said, running off. Ten minutes later, he drove up in a large tank. Opening the hatch, he stood out and pointed at Marshall. "Ha!"

"...Err..." Marshall said, running off. Twenty minutes later, a battleship came out of nowhere, somehow on land. But hey, if a submarine fell from the sky, why can't a battleship go on land? "Ha!" Marshall said, his voice distant.

"...Err..." Yoshimitsu said, running off. Twenty minutes later, he flew past in a war plane and dropped an atom on Marshall's battleship.

However, since we want to keep this as friendly as possible, Marshall didn't die. He was just completely charred, like in the cartoons.

"Aw, crap!" Yoshimitsu said, landing the plane. "I blew up my own house!"

"...Yeah, and like, everywhere else..." Marshall said.

"...Well, crap."

"Yeah..."

"...Wanna go see a movie?"

"Okay!"

And with that, Marshall and Yoshimitsu skipped off into the sunset.

**

* * *

A/N: Well, I've had that idea of two random characters trying to best each other by bringing back better weapons. Just never got the chance to use it in Random Misadventures. Oh well. Hopefully I won't run out of ideas like in that fic. You'll get another chapter next week...or when I feel like it. By the way, my animosity towards Steve is that a friend of mine keeps using him really cheaply. So I him.**

**A/N 2: This chapter was almost entirely a combination of previous ideas, just thrown in with characters. The weapons we had made up. The first with Marshall and Forest was the only thing new. Just though that I would let you know all that. (Jason)**


	4. Yoshimitsu

**Chapter 4: Yoshimitsu**

**A/N: I kept my promise this time! I usually don't. So, here's Yoshimitsu. **

* * *

Yoshimitsu woke up in a hut in the middle of the mountains in the middle of nowhere. He sat up, yawned and stretched, then made his way to the breakfast table.

Why is he in the mountains instead of that other house by Law? Well, it blew up dummy. I'm being consistent this time.

Unfortunately (for him), when his house blew up, all his Manji party members died. Since Bryan pretty much killed the rest of them, Yoshimitsu is the only Manji guy left. Sucks to be him.

After eating a fine breakfast of wood and wheat stalks, Yoshimitsu walked outside to get the paper. To his dismay, he discovered he hadn't changed out of his night clothes, and was in his T5 blue maniac extra costume.

The paper boy stared at him as he rode his bike. Not taking his eyes off the blue Yoshimitsu, the poor kid rode off a cliff. Even more to his misfortune, he fell into a pile of Jacks.

Since the Jacks are incredibly stupid and all they know how to do is fight, they promptly beat the shit out of the kid and then blew themselves up.

Back on the cliff, Yoshimitsu stared at the spot where the kid fell. "I bet he's dead, too! Selfish young one! Won't even drop off the paper!" And that's when the explosion hit. Several trees, Jack limbs, and piles of other random debris flew past him. As Yoshimitsu stared, wide-eyed, a fully intact newspaper fell in front of him. "This must be my lucky day!" Yoshimitsu said, tucking the paper under his arm and walking inside.

After a few hours of reading the paper, staring at a wall, and wishing his friends hadn't died, Yoshimitsu decided to hop intosome clothesand go to a moving picture.

Yoshimitsu decided his samurai outfit wasn't the best, and walked to his closet to see if there was a better one. Eventually, he decided all the other ones just looked even more freaky than thesamuraiget up, so he chose that one and made hisway to town.

In town, he was walking down the street, finding it deserted. And the poor sap wonders why.

"Everyone? Hallo? Where art thou?" He asked, trying again to copy Robin Hood. After receiving no response, an idea lightbulb flashed above his head. "Alas! A terrible monster must be afoot! TO BATTLE!" He yelled, brandishing his sword and screaming like a maniac, then running off to find a monster.

Almost immediately after he disappeared, everyone went back to their normal daily routine.

At about two in the afternoon, Yoshimitsu decided that running around with a sword and screaming at the top of his lungs wasn't the way to find a monster. "I must set a trap!" He yelled, running off and doing exactly what he just decided he shouldn't do.

Half an hour later, a thing happened. That this was the killing of 50 jillion people, but that isn't what we were aiming for. In fact, we were aiming for something much less than that.

"Curses! The monster has not showed his ugly face!" Yoshimitsu said. "I must set a better trap!" And like a cartoon, the scene went black.

Cut to a box held up at a 75 degree angle by a stick. Under the box was a huge wedge of cheese.

"Ah, yes...monsters love cheese..." Yoshimitsu said from behind a rock. Just then, Jinpachi, in all his crazy-monster-with-a-mouth-on-his-stomach glory walked up.

"Cheese! I love cheese!" Jinpachi said, scooping up the cheese. As he did this, he accidentally kicked out the stick with his foot, and the box fell on his foot. However, he didn't care. He just walked off, eating his cheese.

"...Curses." Yoshimitsu said. "Alright, new plan."

Cut to a noose, lying on the ground with a wedge of cheese in the middle. If the rope was pulled at the right time, the one who set foot in the noose would be hung upside down. Again, Jinpachi was lured to the site by the smell of cheese.

"I still love cheese!" He exclaimed, bending over and picking up the cheese. Happily stuffing the wedge in his mouth, Jinpachi walked off, chewing and swallowing.

"Goddammit!" Yoshimitsu yelled, running out. "He didn't put his foot in!" However, Yoshimitsu didn't realize that his left foot was now in the noose. And as I'm sure you've already guessed, he was swept off his feet and hung upside down for a total of three days.

Not surprisingly, it took him that long to realize that he had a sword glued to his left hand and could easily have cut the rope. Now that it's been three days, he's had time to figure that out. So, he cut the rope and fell on his head, knocking himself out for three days.

When he woke up, he had another idea. "EUREKA!" He yelled. "I have a _good_ plan!"

Cut to a wedge of cheese lying on the ground. Nothing attached. Jinpachi was again lured to the site by the smell of the cheese. "Boy, another cheese wedge! This must be mah lucky day!" He said, happily picking up the cheese. However, a bowling ball then fell on his head. Somehow, this didn't effect him, so he just stuffed the wedge in his mouth.

But Yoshimitsu had planned for this. Much to Jinpachi's confusion, a gatlin gun slowly rose from the ground. "...What the..." Was all he managed to get out before several hundred bullets went through him at high rates of speed.

"Aha!" Yoshimitsu yelled, leaping out from behind a rock, the Gatlin Gun ceasing fire. "The city is saved!"

However, no it was not. Yoshimitsu had killed most of the population with his earlier traps, and besides, the city was burning down.

During this whole ordeal, Raven had been perched on a cliff, watching Yoshimitsu's attempts to kill Jinpachi. He touched his head set to find his command...whoever the hell they are.

"...Sir...a man–err...something...seems to have eliminated Jinpachi." He said, not taking his eyes off Yoshimitsu, who was currently doing a victory dance.

"Well? Who is he?" The command dude replied.

"I don't know...oh, wait. It's Yoshimitsu. That guy from the tournament with the sword glued to his hand."

"...That guy? _He_ killed Jinpachi?"

"Apparently so."

"...Well...eliminate him."

"...Why?"

"'Cause I said! Now do it!"

"Fine, fine! Geez..." Raven said. At that moment, the command dude hung up, and Raven was left to deal with Yoshimitsu, who was still deep into his victory dance.

"Ooh yeah! Beat your stupid monster ass!" Yoshimitsu said, kicking the dead Jinpachi. After that, Jinpachi disintegrated into sand. "...Um...oops."

"Weird guy with the sword!" Raven yelled, leaping out of nowhere and landing in front of Yoshimitsu.

"...Hi?" Yoshimitsu said.

"I have come to kill you."

"...Why?"

"I don't know, the command guy says."

"That's stupid. _You're_ stupid."

"...Not as stupid as you."

"...You just admitted to being stupid."

"I am not! I am brilliant!"

"...Whatever. You going to kill me or what?"

"...Yes."

"...Soon?"

"...Yes."

"...Now?"

"...Yes." Raven said, pulling out his two knives and leaping at Yoshimitsu.

"Very well, then." Yoshimitsu said, pulling out his sword and leaping at Raven.

Cut to field of billowing flowers with happy music.

I'm sorry, but we can't show scenes of excessive violence such as this.

Just enjoy the flowers.

Smell them.

Can you?

Thought not.

Yoshimitsu and Raven both were sprawled on the ground, their respective weapons stained with blood. But, hey, since I don't like to kill characters off until the very last chapter...THEY'RE ALIVE AGAIN! Hooray!

"What the fuck?" Raven asked, completely confused. "I was dead a minute ago..."

"Aye! So was I!" Yoshimitsu responded.

"Eh...let's just pretend this whole thing didn't happen. Deal?" Raven said, extending his hand.

"...Sure..." Yoshimitsu said, grasping Raven's hand and shaking it.

With that, Yoshimitsu returned to his home. After having another meal of wood and wheat stalks, he headed off to bed. But then...he realized something.

"Dear God! It's been more than one day! This completely does not live up to the title! I mean, it just makes no–"

**

* * *

A/N: RIGHT! Had to shut him up there, before he dealt with my inconsistency. But, aw, who cares? Tekken 5 is pretty awesome. However, my memory card erased all the data...so I now I have to play it aaaaalllllllll over again. Well. At least it gives me something else to waste my time. Just kidding omg.**


	5. Combot

**Chapter 5: Combot**

**A/N: Holy crap, I haven't updated this in over a month...I'm sorry, baby. Forgive me? I knew you would...you don't? WELL SCREW YOU, I'M DOING MY BEST! Seriously, though. Get off my back, it hurts.**

* * *

Bryan awoke one morning (which happens to be this morning) to the sound of birds chirping. He smiled to himself as he pulled out an Uzi and shot every single bird outside his window. 

"I can tell that this is going to be a good day." Bryan said, setting his Uzi down on his dresser and going to the bathroom to perform his daily ritual of showering (Ew), brushing his teeth, shaving, and all that stuff.

Stepping out of the bathroom, Bryan looked around the room and said to himself, "Hmm...what arbitrary, psychotic, homicidal task shall I perform today? I know! I'll get my giant gatling gun and shoot everyone!" Bryan hummed gleefully to himself as he picked up said gatling gun and walked down the stairs.

Suddenly, a taxi crashed through the wall, plowing into Bryan and crushing the cyborg with it's massive weight. Combot stuck his head out of the driver's seat window and examined the room. "Pizza deliv–" He started, before noticing he had crushed Bryan with the taxi. "...Oops. Oh well. Target eliminated." And with that, Combot backed out of Bryan's house...and then pulled right back in, running Bryan over a second time. Then he sped off.

In a dark and dreary basement, Combot stood in front of a large whiteboard that had the names of Tekken fighters on it. He took an eraser from the shelf connected to the board and tried to erase Bryan's name. However, the eraser wasn't working.

"Damn." Combot said, then looked out the basement window, he saw an evil corporation. Wall-Mart. After driving to Wall-Mart and running over random people, he finally got his new eraser and came back to his home. Once again, he tried erasing his name, this time, successfully. "Success." He said.

"Very good, Combot." A familiar voice said from a darkened corner.

Combot slowly turned around to face the one who uttered the words, discovering that it was...LEE CHAOLAN! Dun dun dun. "You." Combot said, pointing accusingly at his creator. "You made me suck so much, they had to bring back Mokujin. Now I'm a sucky assassin that is here only to provide comic relief."

"Yes." Lee acknowledged.

"...You have no retort? No defense?"

"Nope."

"Combot, let me ask you something."

"...Sure."

"Do you believe that robots go to Heaven when they die?"

"...What?"

"Because you are about to find out."

"...That was lame."

"Yeah, well so are you."

"I know. Stop reminding me."

"You are."

"...Well. If you're going to be a little bitch, I demand a stylized action fight!"

"So be it!" Lee said, pulling into his fighting stance. He ran at Combot and punched him as hard as he could...and then pulled his bloody and broken hand back, crying in pain.

"Ha. Haha. Hahaha. You cannot beat me with your fists. I am a robot."

"But it worked in the last few games...I could punch Yoshimitsu's armor and Mokujin and I didn't get hurt..." Lee said, sniffling.

"Yeah, well...that's because our games defy the laws of physics at every point possible. So..." Combot said, picking up a gun off his desk and shooting Lee repeatedly, the latter dropping to the ground in a heap of blood and snappy clothes.

Hey, wait a minute...Combot, you're supposed to be a crappy assassin who just performs wacky antics and for comic relief!

"Come on, man. I'm the worst character ever. Just give me this one."

...Very well.

So, anyway. Combot erased Lee's name, then checked who his next target was...Julia.

Elsewhere, Julia was walking home from her classes, when a taxi pulled up next to her.

"Hey, baby." Combot said, donning his fake mustache. "You need a ride home?"

"...Err...hi, Combot. I'll walk." She responded, giving Combot a weird look and speeding up her pace.

"Come on. Don't leave me hanging." Combot said, speeding up to be next to her.

"No, thanks, Combot. I'll walk."

"...Get in the damn car."

"...HELP! HELP! RAPIST!" Julia yelled, running as fast as she could.

"What! I couldn't rape you even if I wanted to!" Combot yelled. "...And I do." He muttered.

"What was that last part?"

"...I...don't..."

Julia narrowed her eyes, walked up to the cab, and opened Combot's door. She then pulled him out and kicked him in the face.

"Ow." Combot said, being knocked into his own cab.

"Perv." Julia said, stomping off.

"Wait a minute. Lee couldn't hit me without hurting himself. Why can you?"

"Apparently you forgot Lee's a total wuss." Julia called back.

"...Oh...yes."

Later on, Combot decided to go after his next target...Wang. Tee hee. Okay, enough immaturity. So, yeah, anyway...um...what?

Oh yeah. Wang was sitting on a park bench, feeding birds, like all stereotypical old men do. As he threw more...bird food...out, Combot approached from behind.

"Wang Jinrei." Combot said, eliciting snickers from other park-goers. "...Oh, shut up."

"What do you want, sonny?" Wang said, turning around.

"You in a cemetery and about six feet down."

"...That was lame, sonny. You definitely are the creation of Lee Chaolan."

"...Silence."

"Now, you wouldn't physically injure a man my age, would you?"

"I would."

"YOU METAL BASTARD!"

"Hey, fuck you old timer." Combot monotonously said, advancing towards Wang.

"You'll have to catch me, ya stupid robot!" Wang yelled, running off and laughing crazily.

"I will." Combot said, running after him.

"Heheh! I was the fastest one at school when I was a lad!"

"Oh, you mean one hundred years ago?" Combot said, slowly gaining on Wang until...he tripped over a large stick and fell into a puddle, short circuiting.

"Ha! That's karma for ya, metal man!" Wang said, laughing gleefully and walking off. "Oh, and for your information, it was one hundred and _twenty_ years ago!" Wang called back.

Combot said nothing and just kept twitching uncontrollably. A few hours later, he awoke and stood up. "Very well. Two failures...I'll try for my next target."

Meanwhile, Kazuya Mishima sat in his office, desperately trying to make a call home. An employee stood next to him, holding the phone while Kazuya clung to the receiver. "But I need to let Jun know I want steak tonight!"

"I'm sorry, sir. I guess the call won't go through." The employee said.

"Won't go through, eh! I'll show you!" Kazuya said, grabbing the phone and throwing it at the employee, knocking the poor guy out.

"...Aw, crap, I just pulled a Russell Crowe...sorry, err..." Kazuya squinted at the employee's name tag. "Robert. I'll give you an extra dollar on your paycheck some time this millennium." Kazuya said, squinting at the door, and then the window. He concluded that it was shorter to go to the window, so Kazuya did what any good boss would do. Toss Robert out the window.

Immediately after the employee was tossed out of the window, there was a knock on the door. "...What?" Kazuya asked. "Who is it?"

"Your favorite employee. Mike...Mikerson." A monotonous voice said.

Kazuya rolled his eyes. "Combot, you realize that's the last fake name you used, don't you?"

"...I am not this Combot person. I am the favorite employee of the month."

"...That's not even an award."

"...Yes it is."

"I know my own awards, Combot...of which there are none. Now cut the wacky antics and just get this horrible assassination attempt over with."

"Very well." Combot said. "Charge."

Kazuya opened the door and side-stepped as Combot ran through and over to the open window that Robert was just tossed out of. Combot skidded to a halt directly in front of the window, barely missing the fall.

However, Kazuya had walked up behind him and then pushed him out.

"Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap." Combot said, falling several stories and making a Combot-shaped hole in the ground.

Combot crawled out of the hole and slowly trudged back to his taxi. After he got in, a group of little kids walked up and started pointing and laughing.

"Look, it's Combutt from the Tekken games!" One of them said, pointing at Combot. The others laughed.

Combot's window rolled down and his arm shot out, grabbing the kid and pulling him inside the taxi. The window rolled back up and muffled screams could be heard.

The kids stared dumbfounded at the car until the window rolled down again. A skeleton wearing the boy's clothes was tossed out of the car.

Combot then drove off, leaving the kids screaming in terror. "Skinning children and removing their internal organs always makes me feel better." Combot said to himself, driving home. "...Oh, who am I kidding? I have no feelings."

He got home very late at night and wandered over to an outlet with a cord sticking out of it. He took the cord and plugged into his ass, and then, with his head hung and his shoulders drooping, he fell asleep.

**

* * *

A/N: Again, sorry for the delay. Ah well. No offense to any Russell Crowe fans, I respect him as an actor. He's terrific, but he's also kind of a dick. Anyway, review. Or I'll cry.**


	6. No really it's Steve

**Chapter 6: This One Actually Is Steve**

**A/N: Okay, really this time. It _is_ Steve. Last time, I tricked you and it turned out to be King's chapter. Well, I'm not going to do that again. So, here you are.**

* * *

Just like all the other characters in the other chapters, Steve woke up one morning and began to perform his usual routine. But this time... 

"Well! It's a bloody smashing day, isn't it?" Immediately after uttering these words, Steve clapped his hands on his mouth. Eyes wide in horror, he lowered his hands as he came to the realization that... "Namco made my accent incredibly obnoxious!"

Steve paced around his room, debating about what to do...about...his exaggerated and obnoxious accent. "I know!" He declared. "I'll go to Namco and beat random employees until they change my accent!...But first, I'll have some tea...oh bloody 'ell! It's worse than I thought!"

Steve, for some reason, deciding it was just fine to run around with his shirt unbuttoned (remember his ending in T4?), ran outside to go to Namco. Don't know why he's in Japan, but...whatever.

Meanwhile, Combot was parked outside Steve's apartment building, waiting to run the unsuspecting boxer over. Just then, he noticed a large shadow cast over him. "Nooooo." His monotonous voice cried out, before he was viciously beaten.

As Steve ran outside, he noticed Heihachi and his pet bear Kuma were unsuspiciously waiting for him. "Oh...'ello."

"Hello, Steve. Nice day isn't it?" Heihachi said, oblivious to the fact that his pet bear, the aptly named Bear, had eaten Steve's legs. Needless to say, Steve was screaming loudly. That is, he was until he was mauled.

Ahahaha! I got you _again_! Steve's _dead_ now! Oh man. I'm awesome.

**

* * *

Chapter 6: Heihachi**

**A/N: Maybe I should stop picking on Steve...nah. He's dead anyway! Muhahahaha!  
**

* * *

Continuing from where we left off... 

"Steve?" said Heihachi looking around until he saw the remains of the British boxer. "Oh, there you are. Well, have a nice day. Does speaking nicely to people count for community service?" Heihachi asked, turning to his advisor.

"No, sir. You still have exactly 100,220,456,857 hours of community service left." The advisor said.

"Well, then. Kuma! Heel!" Heihachi commanded. Immediately after, Kuma leapt on top of the advisor and began to maul him.

"Ack! Ow! 100,220,456,867 now!" The advisor said, before Kuma finished him.

"Thanks for nothing, Steve. I'm just so mad I could--" but Heihachi walked off, because he couldn't exactly figure out how to take his rage out on the broken body of Steve. "Kuma! Come!...And bring the papers!" He called back.

Kuma bounded over to his master and dropped the advisors papers in front of him.

"Good boy." Heihachi said, picking up the papers and ripping them up. "Kuma! Unsuspiciously walk away and whistle!" Heihachi commanded, as both did that exact thing.

Later that day...

Heihachi stood at the front of a long table, crowded by several Mishima Zaibatsu employees. "Gentlemen, I'm sure you know why we're here. Profits have been going down recently." He said.

"Sir, I believe it is due to the high unemployment rates. That and your public appearance isn't coming off too well." An employee said.

"Very well. We need to create more jobs, and perhaps file a position for a publicist."

"Yes indeed. Sir, if you take a look at this chart you will see some numbers and columns. It is titled 'Heihachi's public appearance.'" Another employee said.

"My...rates are quite low in that department. It's time we act!"

"Sir, I predicted your move! and I have decided that we begin a commercial series highlighting your father-son relationship."

"No, I believe our first move should revolve around this question...what does our company do?"

"A good question, sir...I'm not terribly sure."

"Damn right it's a good question. Figure it out, I'm taking a break for today." With that, Heihachi walked out, closing the door behind him. As soon as Heihachi disappeared around the corner...

"STAPLE FIGHT!" The employees all grabbed their staplers and started shooting staples at each other.

Outside, Heihachi flagged down a taxi. A severely mangled taxi cab that looked like it had gone through eight car wrecks pulled up. Combot stuck what was left of his head out.

"Would you like a ride sir?" Combot asked his voice drastically changing from normal to extremely low during his sentence. His left eye was out, and much of his paint was scratched off. His right eye flickered on and off, and his left shoulder cylinder thingy had been torn off.

"...What the hell happened to you?" Heihachi asked.

"Your stupid bear."

"...My stupid bear what?"

"Your stupid bear. Your stupid bear. Your stupid bear." Combot said, raising up his right arm and punching himself in the face. "Sorry. I repeat myself now. Your stupid bear beat me up."

"...Kuma did that?"

"Affirmative."

"...Awesome!"

"It is not. It sucks. Totally."

"Yeah, for you." Heihachi said, as Kuma walked up to stand next to him.

"Well, now this is happening." Combot said, getting out of the car and kicking Kuma in the shin. Then he got back in the taxi and drove off.

"Nooo! Without his shin, Kuma is defenseless! I've seen many a fighter at my tournaments knocked out by a kick to the shin!"

Kuma blinked and stared. What Kuma heard next sounded like this: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, Kuma, blah blah blah blah blah Kuma blah Vet."

Immediately after hearing the word "Vet," Kuma's eyes went wide, he growled, and began swinging his massive paws madly.

"Aw, come on. You need it." Heihachi said.

Kuma just growled some more.

"Now don't take that tone with me, mister."

Kuma still growled.

"BAD KUMA! BAD!" yelled Heihachi, as he loaded his trusty tranquilizer rifle. "Now are you going to come quietly?"

...And Kuma growled again.

"That's it! I didn't want to have to do this. But you made me. It hurts you more than it hurts me!" Heihachi yelled, firing a tranquilizer dart into Kuma's arm.

Kuma growled, stumbled...then passed out.

"Haha, not so tough now, are ya?" Heihachi said, nudging Kuma with his foot. "...Wait a minute, how the hell am I going to get him to the Vet's office?"

Just then, a police officer walked up to Heihachi. "Sir, you can't just leave your bear parked there."

"Umm..." Heihachi said, stupidly.

"Sir, I'm going to have to give you a ticket, and tow this thing. Oddly enough, and conveniently for you, we are asked to tow it to the nearest veterinary office."

"Oh...okay." Heihachi said.

Even later that day...

Heihachi drove up to the veterinary office that Kuma had been conveniently towed to. He opened the door and walked inside, only to discover...

"Yes! This is nothing like my old creations! It's something new! A bear with boxing gloves on his hands _and_ his feet!" The-you-probably-already-guessed-who-he-was crazy doctor said.

Kuma, strapped to a table with boxing gloves shoved onto his hands and feet, growled angrily.

"Oh, shut up! You are going to be my greatest creation!" Dr. B said...crazily.

"Get your grubby, mad scientist hands off of my bear!" Heihachi yelled.

"One, I'm not a scientist. Two, NEVER!" Dr. B yelled.

Kuma's simplistic bear mind worked on his next move. He found himself torn between the two, old arguing men. One of them had given him these wonderful red boxing gloves. The other gave him a tranquilizer dart to the arm. It did not take long for Kuma to chose sides.

However, he remembered that the other one had put boxing gloves on his feet. So he tore his way out of the table, mauled Heihachi, and ran off.

And then he came back and mauled Dr. B, too. 'Cause nobody likes Dr. B.

The two old men lay on the ground, mauled and bleeding.

"Well, we had a good run at it while it last, old man," wheezed Dr. B, "and I got to put boxing gloves on anything/anyone that I met."

"What the hell are you babbling about? If I survived a giant robot explosion, I'll be damned if I get done in by a simple bear mauling."

Have it your way.

Several Jack-5's ran inside the room and exploded on Heihachi.

**

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A/N: Um. Review. Or I'll bury myself alive.**


	7. Jin

**Chapter 7: Jin**

**A/N: Well. Here it is.**

* * *

As all the other characters in the chapter, Jin woke up to perform his daily morning routine. But, unlike the other characters, he woke up to perform his daily morning routine...and go to school. 

After falling down the stairs and landing on top of his father, who also fell down the stairs, and being crushed by bricks and a submarine, he crawled out of the pile and got his breakfast.

Next, he walked to his parents garage and got in his car. He drove to campus and got out, not even bothering to park or lock his car, in fact...it rolled down a hill. Anyway, he got out, grabbed his backpack and walked into his campus building, then to his first hour class.

Now even though he's rich and powerful, and there has been no dialogue yet, all the kids hated him. Perhaps it was because of that very reason. Anyway.

"Hey, Jin." One said. "Even though you're rich and powerful...we still hate you."

"...GO TO HELL AND DIE!" Jin yelled, then stomped over to his seat.

"Hey, Jin." The guy sitting next to him said.

"STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!" He yelled, getting out of his chair, flipping the guy's chair over, and running out of the room.

"Jin, what's wrong?" A student in the hall inquired.

"You bastards don't know how to live, do you!"

"...What's that supposed to mean?"

"...I don't know leave me alone!" Jin said, running out of his building and into a tree. Consequently, he fell over.

"Jin, what the hell are you doing?" Another random student asked.

"NO! NOOOO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Jin yelled. "I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL SHOW ALLLLLL OF YOOOOOUUUUU! I CAN BE COOL! I knows it!" He yelled again, running off and laughing maniacally.

However, he spent four hours looking for his car. So, since he's a rich little bastard and probably has five of each kind of iPod, he went and bought a new one.

Half an hour later, he drove back to campus and drove up next to a girl in his shiny new vehicle which I don't care to name. "Heyyy, baby..." Jin said.

"OMG! Jinny! You _do_ love me!" Xiaoyu said, hopping up and down.

"..." Jin slowly drove off. "I hate it when she speaks in internet acronyms..." He muttered, before pulling up to another girl. "Hey, baby! I got a thousand million horsepower! And not just in the car, if ya know what I mean!"

"JIN! Don't you talk to your mother that way!" Jun yelled, shaking a finger at him.

"AH! Sorry mom!" Jin said, driving off and pulling up to another girl. "I should really look at the girl first..." However, he didn't follow that. "Heyyy, babeh...you want a ride?"

"Jin! I'm, like, the reincarnated version of your mother! Or your cousin! Or sibling! Aw, hell, I have the same last name!" Asuka said, pointing accusingly at him.

"...So?"

"PERVERT!" She yelled, throwing a brick at him and running off.

"AH! Where'd you get that!" Jin asked, narrowly avoiding being hit in the face with a brick.

She didn't bother to respond. So, Jin moved on and actually looked at the girl before. It was Christie. "Heyyy, babeh–" was all he got out before he hit a tree.

Christie just giggled and kept doing her "I'm so hott/sexxy" walk. Whichever you want, she's just a bunch of pixels anyway.

Jin sat in his car with a really angry face on, staring at the tree in front of him. Then, Kuma stomped up to him.

"...Kuma?"

"BEAR." Kuma said, before knocking Jin's car over.

"Did you just talk!" Jin asked, stunned.

Kuma didn't bother to respond, either. Then, Hwoarang pulled up next to Christie in a really old 1920's model car. He stopped next to her and opened the door, sticking his head out. "Hey, babe. This car has twenty horsepower! Without the horses!"

"Ooh! Amazing!" Christie said, hopping into the car and getting on his lap.

Hwoarang then slowly drove off at about five miles per hour. He turned on the hydraulics (or however the hell you spell it, that's just what WordPerfect defaulted to) and the car bounced and bounced, knocking off both the front wheels. The car slowly skidded down the hill.

"Damn you Hwoarang!" Jin shouted, then stopped and snickered. "Heh heh...Hwoar...sounds like whore..." Jin snickered again, then walked off.

Later on, Jin approached a very tall office building. "I'll prove I'm cool by climbing this building!" He said, stupidly.

Forty stories later, Jin was getting cold feet about the idea. "Craaaap...this is really high up...I dun' wanna die..." But he fell off.

Miles away, someone would have seen a small, whispering speck slowly plummeting to the ground.

But up close, one would have seen a falling rich kid in a hoodie screaming at the top of his lungs.

"AHHHHH! Oh God, what do I do!" Jin yelled, still falling. Suddenly, a tiny thought cloud materialized next to his head. A small cartoon turtle also appeared and said, "Remember! Duck and cover!" Even though that's advice for an earthquake or tornado, Jin applied it to falling off buildings.

So, he ducked and covered...and landed on a stunt double mat. "Wow! Ducking and covering really works!" He said, then stood up and walked off, not realizing that both the mat and the now deceased stunt double had actually broken his fall.

That evening, Jin stood in front of a bat cave (You know what? I'm not even sure if those exist in Tokyo. If they don't, then for the sake of the story, assume they do.).

"I will become cool by becoming Batman!" Jin shouted triumphantly, stomping into the cave. As soon as he set foot inside, the bats started freaking out and flying around. After five minutes of that, only one was still in the cave. This one happened to be Dracula.

Turning back into a person, Dracula approached Jin. "Hello...I am Count Dra–"

"Dracula, I know. You're a creepy vampire."

"...Well, then I'll have to kill you for knowing too much."

"...Uh...can't I kill you, too?"

"You can only kill me by feeding me a wooden stake. I'm one of those virtually impossible to kill Dracula's that can only die if you do one stupid thing."

"...We're having meatloaf tonight."

"I'm in!" Dracula said, stupidly.

At Jin's house, Dracula sat at the end of a very long table. Jin walked in with a plate of meatloaf, and set it in front of the Count.

"...This looks like you put a stake in it."

"Uh...no I didn't."

"You sure? Because it looks like it has a stake in it."

"I'm, err, very sure."

"Alright, I'm just making sure, because, y'know...I'll die if it has a stake in it. And this looks pretty stake-shaped."

"It doesn't have a stake in it."

"...Well, okay." Dracula said, picking up the meatloaf (Ew.) and stuffing it in his mouth. After swallowing, he winced and looked over at Jin. "Oh, you little bitch!" He said, before slumping in his chair, dead.

"Yes! I can prove I'm cool with the evidence that I killed Dracula!" Jin said, pumping his fist in the air. "This is the happiest day of my life!"

But then Dracula disintegrated into sand.

"...Nevermind." Jin said, angrily stomping off to his room to whine about his day in his Xanga.

**

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A/N: Okay, so, like...leave me reviews. Or I'll be sad. And you just couldn't live with that, could you?**


	8. Wang

**Chapter 8: Wang**

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a long time, I just need to take a break so ideas can come to me. Otherwise, you get what you got in the last chapter. Jin-bashing. **

* * *

Wang Jinrei awoke one morning, presumably in some cabin in a beautiful forest somewhere in some place. Some country. Planet. Whatever. 

What happens next is what happens at the beginning of every chapter, a daily morning routine with a little quirk set in to form a joke. Wang looked in the mirror that morning and gazed at his wrinkled face. "...I am so _old_...I should probably be dead...what am I, a hundred something?"

With a groan, Wang dragged himself into the kitchen and ate breakfast. Since that's not exciting enough, I'll add a ninja attack.

Several ninjas leapt through three windows and one wall to get into Wang's cabin. Unfortunately for them, the two that leapt through the wall were knocked out and bleeding severely on the ground.

"What the! Now, that's not fair, I am _having breakfast_!" Wang shouted at the approaching ninjas.

"Well, we're killer ninjas, so we don't care." Random Ninja #2 said.

"Yeah, and we demand an AWESOME FIGHT." Random Ninja #6 said.

"Very well." Wang said, slowly rising from his seat. "Let me get over there." Then, he slowly started walking towards the ninjas.

Five minutes later...

Still walking.

Ten minutes later...

Still walking...and then he savagely beat them. The ninjas lay groaning and clutching their stomachs, legs, faces, kidneys, what ever area had been effected.

"Ow, how could you do that! You could barely move a minute ago..." Random Ninja #3 said.

"Yes, my son, that was just to make you think I was slow and weak. But I beat the crap out of you, didn't I?" Wang responded.

"Please, sir, I must know your name." The ninja pleaded.

"...You'll laugh."

"No I won't."

"...Very well." With a sigh, Wang said, "Wang Jinrei."

"..." The ninja stifled a laugh. "Your name is Wang?"

"Oh, dammit! I knew that was coming! I'm tired of all the jokes about my name! Henceforth, I will be known as OLD MAN RIVER."

**

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Chapter 8: Old Man River**

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"...Okay. I think I'll die now." The ninja said, then did exactly that. 

"HA! Kicked your ass!" Wang yelled, then walked out of his cabin, leaving the bodies of the ninjas strewn about. "I think I'll visit my grandson, Xiaoyu!" And then he promptly broke his hip.

Hours later, he walked out of the emergency room...and broke his hip again. Another few hours later, he walked out of the emergency room with a good, strong, titanium hip. I think that would hurt. But who cares? If you're reading this, you should already have suspended the laws of physics...and a good deal of health information.

"Do you have a place to stay, Mr...River?" One of the surgeons asked.

"Oh, I think I'll visit my grandson, Xiaoyu!"

"...You mean the girl in the waiting room?"

"Yep! My grandson!"

"...'Kay. The total for both surgeries is...6,000,000 yen."

"...Well..." Wang–Old Man River began...then promptly beat up the surgeon and quickly strode out.

In the waiting room, Xiaoyu sat in a chair, waiting for her old, senile grandpa who can only hear and see well when faced with ninja attacks, apparently. Inconsistencies ROCK.

"Grandpa!" Xiaoyu beamed, sprang to her feet and hugged her grandfather.

"Oh, Xiaoyu! It feels like it's been ages since I've seen my grandson!"

"..." Xiaoyu quickly let go of him. "I'm a girl, grandpa. I'm your grand_daughter_."

"Really? I always thought you were a bit on the feminine side...I just thought you had a real high voice, man boobs, and the mentality of a kindergartner...or do you still have that?"

"...You old senile fart." Xiaoyu muttered under her breath.

"AH! NINJA!" Wang said, doing one of his charging power moves on her and running out, screaming hysterically.

"OW...OW...OW..." And then Xiaoyu was rushed to the emergency room. Which didn't take long, they probably didn't even have to put her on a gurney. I mean, she was right there.

As he was walking away, Wang decided he would attempt to make his own food. However, this would probably result in several burns, and possibly his timely demise. "Groceries are free in Japan!" He said, apparently forgetting that he is Chinese, and was indeed...in China. "And stop calling me Wang, it's Old Man River!"

Stop breaking down the fourth wall! I need that for stuff!

ANYWAY, he walked into the grocery store, unintentionally intending (oxymoron) to rob the store of all the food he wanted.

On his way out of the store, Mr. River was stopped short by one of the cashiers.

"Sir, you're going to have to pay for those four cart fulls of bananas."

"NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! GROCERIES ARE SUPPOSED TO FREE IN JAPAN!"

"...We're in China, sir."

"NEVER!" Wang said, running out, pushing his carts full of bananas.

I don't know how the hell he did it, but somehow, he got back to his remote cabin in the mountains, pushing four cart fulls of bananas.

"I hate bananas!" Wang yelled when he reached the top, then rushed back to the grocery store.

"There he is!" The cashier yelled, pointing accusingly at Wang/Old Man River. Several police officers turned...and rushed the one hundred and one year old man. Unfortunately for them, video game characters, no matter how small, old, and frail they may be...have unnatural power. So he promptly beat them up and ran off.

Stealing four cart fulls of lobsters, Wang/Old Man River found the energy to run back to his remote cabin. There, he found a letter on his doorstep. It read:

_Dear Wang Jinrei,_

_It is your old friend Jinpachi again. I have recently turned into a giant, soul-eating, savage killing machine. I have been shot in the face repeatedly by an equally weird-looking ninja, and would like some help taking the bullets out of my face. _

_Sincerely, Jinpachi Mishima_

_P.S. This really hurts. _

"A letter!" Wang/Old Man River exclaimed, holding up the letter in triumph. "A call from my dear friend, Jinpachi! I remember we used to get completely hammered together and then beat random people!" With that, Wang set out to find his friend, although he had no indication of where he was.

Several hours later, Wang/Old Man River had gotten into his back yard, when Jinpachi walked up, bullet-ridden and in all his giant monster glory. "I figured you'd be here." He said, walking over to Wang/Old Man River.

"I'm sorry, I went as fast as I could. How are you? How's my favorite grandson? Eh, Xiaoyu? Eh?"

"...Oh Wang, you're just as senile as I remember you. Which isn't that well, because a bullet went through my brain. I don't how I'm alive...probably the monster. Please help me take these bullets out of my face."

Several hours of brutal surgery later, Wang had finally amputated Jinpachi's leg. Oh, and taken out the bullets.

"Thank you, Wang. Even though you removed my leg, I thank you for taking out the section of my brain that interprets pain."

"No problem, old friend." Wang/Old Man River said, stretching. "It was as easy as Christie Monteiro."

Just then, several police officers stormed inside. Keep in mind Wang hadn't removed the ninjas corpses. "Good lord! What have you done to that man!" The officer shouted, pointing at Jinpachi.

"...Who?"

"He means me, Wang. Oh, and thanks for taking out my central nervous system, too. I can finally die." And with that, Jinpachi died and turned to dust for the second time in this work of fiction.

"Ooh! Kitty litter! Now, how did that get here?" Wang/Old Man River, asked.

"Mr. River, you are under arrest for putting a surgeon and your own granddaughter in critical condition, for robbing a grocery store of four carts of bananas and four carts of lobsters, and for horribly mutilating and then murdering that guy that turned into dust!" So, Wang/Old Man River was read his rights, thrown into a cop car, and hauled to jail.

END.

**

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A/N: Well, it took a while, but I think I got my mojo back. I forget that a lot. So, yeah...leave me reviews. **


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